Monday, June 30, 2003
If you direct your eyes toward the top of the page, you'll see that there are two ads for overweight people seeking love and companionship. I mean, come on! Did I strike a nerve with a portly person? I don't deserve to have plumper personals at the top of my page... One of the higher-ups must be toying with us from his/her pedestal of power. You listen here you, you, you fat person, you change that ad or I'll make fun of you. Remember preschool when the other kids cut you down for being able to make a racquetball disappear inside your cavernous maw? Well this'll be much worse. Not only will I make fun of you until you change the ads, but I'll also steal your secret stash of Peeps!
Sunday, June 29, 2003
As I mentioned in my pre-post written during the wee hours of the morning, I was vacationing in North Cackalacky for the past week or so. North Cackalacky is a collection of areas within North Carolina where there is no cellular service, no Internet, and nice, unattractive people who strive to procreate with members of their own family line. It was a nice trip, but it kinda flopped due to ill planning on my uncle’s part. You see, when you’re vacationing with 7 women (whose main objective is to shop) and 4 guys (whose only objective is to fly fish), you need to take both objectives into account and find a middle ground. Find a place with damn good shopping for the ladies and exceptional, gold medal trout waters for the fellas. Where we stayed was definitely not a middle ground. We stayed in Bryson City, where everything is primitive and for the most part toothless. But hey, do I blog to bitch and whine? Nay!! I blog to entertain, just like a musician who rocks a crowd hard without concern for money. Like RAFFY!!
Hmmm… Well, I undertook the task of making up a list of guidelines to follow for all those who will eventually let themselves go physically and mentally and move to Bryson City (Site Meter 176- I’m mocking myself… SCHWEET!). Let’s ride:
1. First, you must relinquish any degree you may have (if you actually grad-ju-a-tud from “somewhere-s”) and act like your vacuous… Put Dale Earnhardt stickers all over your two-tone, long bed truck for added effect… Wait!!
2. MUST DRIVE TRUCK
3. Lose all concern for personal hygiene. Hold on, for God’s sake wear deodorant! Keep a toothbrush in your house with fresh toothpaste. Not for you, but for the wayward wanderers you may take in.
4. Tip a jungle Jim or swing set over in your front yard, preferably in the portion located nearest the main road that winds through town and around the mountain. Swing set MUST BE well-rusted.
5. Find gnome lawn jockeys and position them (in a tilted fashion) near the walkway to your doublewide so as to make it look like your property has not been cleaned up since Hurricane Hugo hit.
6. Stay in your home as much as possible, then government agencies will simply overlook your very humble abode as a dilapidated summer home that just hasn’t been visited in a while. However, somehow, mysteriously cut your grass.
7. Label NOTHING! Not roads, not driveways, and God forbid the address of your business. Who wants someone to find their store? The makeshift wooden signs situated 1 mile up the road that read “YOUR BUSINESS HERE 2.5 miles” are key as they are integral for a prosperous “shack” or “stop.”
8. Give bad directions whilst breathing through your mouth as little as possible. Better yet, mumble, and purse your lips … We don’t want anyone to discover the secret to your smile. ;)
… and that my good people- - is all I have time for. I’m off like Darryl Strawberry on his first three drug offenses.
Hmmm… Well, I undertook the task of making up a list of guidelines to follow for all those who will eventually let themselves go physically and mentally and move to Bryson City (Site Meter 176- I’m mocking myself… SCHWEET!). Let’s ride:
1. First, you must relinquish any degree you may have (if you actually grad-ju-a-tud from “somewhere-s”) and act like your vacuous… Put Dale Earnhardt stickers all over your two-tone, long bed truck for added effect… Wait!!
2. MUST DRIVE TRUCK
3. Lose all concern for personal hygiene. Hold on, for God’s sake wear deodorant! Keep a toothbrush in your house with fresh toothpaste. Not for you, but for the wayward wanderers you may take in.
4. Tip a jungle Jim or swing set over in your front yard, preferably in the portion located nearest the main road that winds through town and around the mountain. Swing set MUST BE well-rusted.
5. Find gnome lawn jockeys and position them (in a tilted fashion) near the walkway to your doublewide so as to make it look like your property has not been cleaned up since Hurricane Hugo hit.
6. Stay in your home as much as possible, then government agencies will simply overlook your very humble abode as a dilapidated summer home that just hasn’t been visited in a while. However, somehow, mysteriously cut your grass.
7. Label NOTHING! Not roads, not driveways, and God forbid the address of your business. Who wants someone to find their store? The makeshift wooden signs situated 1 mile up the road that read “YOUR BUSINESS HERE 2.5 miles” are key as they are integral for a prosperous “shack” or “stop.”
8. Give bad directions whilst breathing through your mouth as little as possible. Better yet, mumble, and purse your lips … We don’t want anyone to discover the secret to your smile. ;)
… and that my good people- - is all I have time for. I’m off like Darryl Strawberry on his first three drug offenses.
So basically...
I see J. G. $Money$ has added my name to the site... good stuff... I just got back from a week's vacation in North Cackalacky. I'll be posting soon (tomorrow)... NINJAI is back by the way! Check it out... Did you know that there are absolutely no girls of the pretty variety in Bryson City, NC? Well, there was this one, eh, female, she almost had all of her teeth. She was quite the nigh-looker. Anyweezy, I'm out like Snoop Dogg after a brawl with Marion "Suge" Knight.
I see J. G. $Money$ has added my name to the site... good stuff... I just got back from a week's vacation in North Cackalacky. I'll be posting soon (tomorrow)... NINJAI is back by the way! Check it out... Did you know that there are absolutely no girls of the pretty variety in Bryson City, NC? Well, there was this one, eh, female, she almost had all of her teeth. She was quite the nigh-looker. Anyweezy, I'm out like Snoop Dogg after a brawl with Marion "Suge" Knight.
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Just rolled into Tampa through a tempest tantamount to those seen in "The White Squall."
Quick story: It was pouring and some driver in the car behind me started flashing his briz-ights. So, basically I ducked down so as to make him think that Willow was driving my vehicle. When he attempted to pass, I sat up and sped past him grinning like Tonya Harding after "el plan" had been carried out on one Nancy Kerrigan. Needless to say, my fellow road warrior was a tad bit perturbed. Did I just refer to figure skating? Oh well... I'm out like Pee Wee Herman's one-eyed trout in a B-Movie theatre!
Quick story: It was pouring and some driver in the car behind me started flashing his briz-ights. So, basically I ducked down so as to make him think that Willow was driving my vehicle. When he attempted to pass, I sat up and sped past him grinning like Tonya Harding after "el plan" had been carried out on one Nancy Kerrigan. Needless to say, my fellow road warrior was a tad bit perturbed. Did I just refer to figure skating? Oh well... I'm out like Pee Wee Herman's one-eyed trout in a B-Movie theatre!
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Well, well, well… Josh added me, Chris of the Cole variety, to his blog. I was originally designated to post random comments about fat girls, but I thought, “How long could I possibly keep the cankles of the ‘fat girl’ shtick canklin’?” Simple… FOREVER! But, and this is a big but, like the J-Lo of “BUTS,” no not “butts,” had to clarify. ;) But, I feel that my safety would be in constant jeopardy if I launched an Anti-Hefty Person campaign on this site… Hmm, not really. I just don’t want to offend any of the rotund viewers from our broad, unrivaled fan base. Ergo, I will post humorous ramblings at least bi-daily for as long as Josh makes reference to PHARB… And that my surfing comrades, WILL BE A LONG DAMN TIME. Ah, what the Hell! I’ll post even if he doesn’t, because I love each and every one of you (that actually took the time to read my nigh-longwinded first post) like Ricki Lake love a snack cake! (During her HairSpray days of course) And in the words of the talented Melissa Ethridge, haha yeah right, I can’t stand her… I’m out like an erection in sweatpants, g’nite...
